The Wooing of Widow Artois::'Allo 'Allo! (series 2)
- Original airdate: 28 October 1985
- Written by: David Croft & Jeremy Lloyd
- Directed by: David Croft
- Produced by: David Croft
- Episode length: 35 minutes
René enters the café with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He is about to use them to woo Edith, because marrying her is the only way for him to get "his" café back. When Edith comes in, dressed in cleaning clothes and smoking a cigarette, she does not know what he is up to and when he wants to give her the flowers, she becomes suspicious. When she begins to understand what René is doing, she asks him to do it standing on his knees. He does this behind the bar and at that very moment, a midget enters the café, also to woo Edith. She rejects him, but he thinks René is also a midget and gets annoyed when he finds out he is not. When he has left, René asks Edith to drop the charade and just agree to announce their engagement, so that they can get married and things can get back to normal. However, Edith does not want to, since she enjoys being wooed by all her different suitors. Before they can discuss the matter further, Maria shows up and announces that Michelle is in the backroom, wanting to speak to them. She tells René and Edith that the airmen will be taken away from the café that same night and that Monsieur LeClerc will show up with further instructions.
The three of them go upstairs to Fanny's room. There they get the airmen, still dressed as nuns, down from the attic, where they have been hiding, through the hatch door in Fanny's room. Suddenly, the knobs on Fanny's bed start flashing, which is indicates that London is calling on the new radio. After a few misunderstandings (both "Nighthawk" and London are speaking plainly, but the other end thinks they are speaking in code) they get note that there will be a plane coming to pick up the airmen that same night.
Herr Flick pays an unexpected visit to the German officers' headquarters. Helga (who is their secretary) informs him that the colonel and the captain are absent. Herr Flick says he knows this and then secretly shows her something. On his person, underneath his big cloak, he has three knockwurst sausages hidden. He puts them on her table, explaining that one of them contains the original painting, one of them contains the forged painting (he has had the second forgery burned) and the third one is to be their dinner. He instructs Helga to give the forgery to colonel Von Strohm, who will give it to Hitler, while they will keep the original to sell after the war. She is to give the knockwurst containing the original, marked with a little svastika, to René in order for him to hang it in his larder with the other sausages there. The third one, they will consume that same night in the backroom of the café by candlelight.
René asks Yvette, who is kneading some bread dough, if the airmen are gone and she replies that Michelle has hidden them in a safe place. After she has told him his wife has gone to parade herself in the town square again, she asks when they will get married. When René tells her that he might have to marry Edith again, she threatens to kill herself. However, she calms down when he explains it is only for a short while, to get the café back. Then Maria enters and tells him lieutenant Gruber is in the café, wanting to give him a present.
Gruber gives him a cologne, which he thinks smells awful sprayed in the air, but not that bad applied to the skin. Colonel Kurt Von Strohm then calls for René to join him, captain Hans Geering and Helga at their table. She has already told René of Herr Flick's plan with the sausages, but she has also come up with their own plan to fool both Herr Flick and Hitler. The knockwurst containing no painting (the "empty" knockwurst), René will cook for her and Herr Flick's dinner. The knockwurst with the original painting (the "real" knockwurst), he will hide in his cellar. The knockwurst with the forgery (the "forged" knockwurst), they will mark with a svastika similar to the one on the real knockwurst and it will be hidden in René's larder. Finally, they will put another empty knockwurst, without any painting in it, on the train to Berlin, but the resistance will be told there are vital military supplies on the train and they will blow it up. René is to tell the resistance, otherwise he will be shot. Helga puts a svastika mark on the forged knockwurst and takes that one and the empty one into the kitchen. However, before they can do anything else, Gruber joins them at the table. They hide the real knockwurst from him, under the table. Soon, Herr Flick enters the café and asks if his instructions have been carried out, which they assure him they have. The colonel passes the knockwurst on to the captain (under the table), who passes it on to René, who passes it on to lieutenant Gruber. When Herr Flick asks them to join him in a toast, Gruber, being homosexual, is absent-minded, distracted by holding the big knockwurst.
At that moment, Edith comes home from her parade and soon afterwards, Monsieur LeClerc enters the café, disguised as a "simple farm hand". As he wants something to drink, René gives him a beer. However, he finds the stench of the farm hand even worse than the cologne Gruber gave him and spreads some of it on LeClerc, which makes him sneeze and spill his beer. He tells René that the airmen will be picked up at two o'clock in the morning and that he and the others should be at farmer Claude's farm at one o'clock. René tells him to reply to Michelle that they are not coming. However, Edith thinks he is a coward and will refuse to marry him if he goes on like that. She tells Monsieur LeClerc to tell Michelle that they will be there.
Herr Flick and Helga are having their private dinner in the backroom, but after a while, when Helga does not want any more knockwurst, the decide to leave and Yvette brings them the bill. After they have left, late at night, Edith, René, Yvette and Maria lock up the café and sneak through the town square, until they are approached by Michelle. She takes them to the well in the square, where her assistant Henriette hands them a basket each, as they will pose as mushroom pickers. Henriette also gives them a loaded gun each.
When Helga and Herr Flick have reached his headquarters, a thunderstorm breaks out. He allows her briefly to shelter under the brim of his hat, but after she has kissed him he bids her good night and leaves her in the rain to get home on her own.
When Michelle and the others reach the farm, they seek cover from the rain in the barn. There, they find Monsieur LeClerc, disguised as a "simple milk maid". The plan is for them to take the cows out, so the airmen have been disguised in a cow suit. Under this cover, they all head for the field where the plane will land.
- Note: This episode introduces the flashing knobs on Fanny's bed as a way of indicating that London is calling on the radio.
- Note: This episode introduces the idea of the paintings being hidden in knockwursts, which became a big theme running through the whole series.
'Allo 'Allo! (series 2) sections
Intro Six Big Boobies The Wooing of Widow Artois The Poloceman Cometh Swiftly and with Style The Duel Herr Flick's Revenge Christmas Special: The G\u00e2teau from the Ch\u00e2teau References
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